Another day will pass...

...and soon it will be another year. And often at the end of the year and the onset of another, it does get you into a reflective mode. But one thing for sure, I have stop making resolutions because I will never keep them. However, I do have plans and I do have my own personal goals, but I am realistic enough to know that I may not be able to achieve these plans and goals within the year but at least in the coming few years.

Looking back at 2005, it is definitely an unusual year in many ways but it is also one of the most rewarding year. For one, I was confered my Masters of Science in Early Childhood Education from Wheelock College, Boston, Massachusetts. Yes, that studying, working, juggling wifehood and motherhood, and daughter-in-law-hood has finally paid off. I had always wanted a Masters degree one day and that resolution to actually do something about it came about only in 2000 and finally I embraced all my fears, my doubts and my insecurities and took the plunge at the end of 2003. So you know, my resolution took a couple of years to materialise. But I'm glad I did it. And I am sooooo happppppyyyyy!!!!

I have dreams of living in another country but it hadn't cross my mind that I would be living that dream in 2005 in the United States of America. But here I am living the good and laid back life of an 'expat' wife (ehem).

There were other moments when my life is not exactly rosy for me, and this year was also one of the worst time that I had to confront that moment. That painful and hurtful moment which I could still vividly recall and remember. But I am thankful that God gave me extreme strength and unwavering patience to see it through and still remain in one piece. Alhamdullillah. I continue to pray that that moment will not enter my life anymore. It will pass, really pass. Full stop. Period.

I quit my 'glamourous' job in June 2004 and for 7 months that I was not working but studying, I was the dutiful wife and mother, and also the unofficial chauffeur. The issue of not having any income of my own did bother me but that was one of the fears that I had to sort out myself and surge on with the support of my hubby. When I finally landed a job as a research associate in February 2005, I was happy and glad that this new position or career is so much in sync with the current priorities in my life and that would be a stepping stone to something greater and wonderful. But alas, that lasted for four months because I dutifully again, followed my hubby to the American soil. Once again without my own income.

I have no regrets, but much to be grateful for despite not having much income as I used to. Maybe He knows best and though we have sacrificed so much, I am satisfied to say that my not working has not been a financial strain to my hubby or our family. Of course, we could have so much more so that we can enjoy more things in life and settle any outstanding mortgage earlier, but I think my life has been richer for the lack of it. The only thing I feel is that I can offer so much of my time into good use like volunteering in my son's school but the lack of transportation has impeded my mobility. I write Malay stories but have not found an outlet for it to be published and shared. I wish I could contribute my intellectual thoughts somewhere but for now, only this blog and my multiply site have been my intellectual (and maybe emotional and social) playground. No matter what, cos the time will come when it comes, I'm loving this 'being at home in US' opportunity as it will not come that many times in anyone's lifetime. I don't know how 2006 will turn out to be but I know for sure, certain important things need to be done especially when we return to Singapore, and there's a whole long list waiting to be checked and deleted.

Have a happy and blessed new year to all. May He grant all your prayers and doas and may life be what you wish and pray it to be. Insya Allah.

What shall I talk about?

At times I feel that I have so much to say but when I hit the keypads, the words get totally lost. Things seemed to be churning in my mind, but how I wished I can just spit it out on print. Alas, it is not so.

So where shall I start? Shall I talk about my trip to Atlanta, where we found a Mustafa-Center-like Global Mall in the heart of the city. And when I say Mustafa-Center-like meaning it was a little building that has everything from Hollywood Videos to tosei and punjabi suits and Indian salons. It's so weird somehow, like suddenly stepping into a different place and time zone amidst the few minutes drive to CNN studio center, and billboards of "Daisy does America" and "Anderson Cooper on 360".

Or shall I talk about how I met an old friend online? I knew she has been a blogger but I did not decide to drop by her blog and comment until yesterday, and how the past just jolted back into my memory. The past about how I was still single and trying to make it in KL and I met her. She was also trying to break into the KL scenes plus a few personal reasons of her own, and spent a night at my apartment. Alas, KL was too much of a culture shock for me. Truly, despite being Malay and having almost the same identity in many ways, it was a culture shock that I returned to Singapore after only five months. Then we met again and worked together in many tv related projects, that we stayed overnight in an editing suite in a Joo Chiat shophouse, and told our life stories to each other. Got cheated out of our pay and all that. But after reading her blog, it's amazing how life has turned out to be good for her in many ways. Alhamdullillah, and I'm so happy for her.

Or maybe I should just rant about my transit life here in Mobile, or about my dearest son who is tirelessly playful but just sometimes too much for me to handle, or about my own paranoia and insecurities as a mom, or even mundane stuff about the suddenly hot winter in Mobile. Perhaps I should just count my blessings, and instead of ranting, feel grateful for the things that I have and have experienced, for there would be many others who will envy the position and the current *profession* that I am in.

Whatever it is, the grass always seems greener on the other side, but I find comfort in a borrowed phrase, "because we are not there to see it on that side of the fence."

Amin.

Autumn... and winter....

Now you see it...........


Now you don't.........(the leaves I mean)





Here the father and son are at the Centennial Olympic Park in Atlanta, Georgia. We were there over the Christmas weekend, just to soak in the atmosphere. Downtown Atlanta was like a ghost town because of the holiday but still it looks more fun than Mobile. There's the Georgia Aquarium, touted to be the biggest in the world (?). World of Coke, a sort of museum dedicated to the origins and evolvement of the cola. I later found out that the founder of coke was born and buried in Georgia. We toured the CNN studio, and got a snapshot with Larry King.

Love that bouquet ...

Me hubby gave me this bouquet on Christmas eve, not for any occasion though, but more so to say he is sorry and that he loves me. He's not a flower or gift-giving sort of person, and often times, I have to tell him point blank that my birthday is coming or that I would love that stalk of rose. But this around, nothing was said, because that was it, it was a couple of days of me giving him the silent treatment, and I guess he knew that it's time to make peace. You know, moi is very giving and loving sort of person and sometimes a big hug or just a stalk of rose can melt all the hurt and anger away. So to all men, it works. And to me hubby, you know *my promise* to you.

Appreciating the beauty of nature...

Nasi Lemak, Mee Maggie and McDonald

These are some of my son's fave food, albeit not healthy ones. Before we came to Alabama, we have 'psychoed' him that he will not be able to eat nasi lemak that easily. "Mummy cannot just go to the shop and buy. Mummy will have to cook for you but mummy cannot do it all the time." Nasi lemak is easy to make but I find that the sambal is the most tedious. You just have to get the right concoction of dried red chillies ground to a paste, correct amount of belacan, onions, tamarind juice, salt and sugar. And the aroma will penetrate every corner of your kitchen and house, sinking itself even into your clothes and your sofa. The best sambal I think, will be able to make you sneeze. And furthermore I have to import the chillies and belacan. I've tried one of the dried chillies here but it just didn't work. And Afzal loves sambal. All he needs is plain white rice (not necessarily the coconut milk flavored rice), sambal and that succulent crispy ayam goreng. And that is nasi lemak for him.

We have also brainwashed Afzal that he is not able to eat as much at McDonald like he would be able to in Singapore because the McDonald here is not halal. Either we are very successful in the brainwashing or Afzal is very adaptable and whenever he wants McDonald, he will only ask for fries and occasionally the chocolate sundae. Sometimes either me or my husband will purposely ask the other whether we want a cheeseburger or chicken, and Afzal will immediately retort in horror, "you cannot eat the burger and chicken here, it is not halal!" There you go, our little but very important talk have sunk into his brain cells.

When our stock of Maggie Mee runs dry, we will just go to Walmart and buy shrimp ramen and all of us are happy with that.

I always pack Afzal his lunch to school as we know the school does not serve halal food. And since the queue for breakfast is very long and as Ms Smith, his homeroom teacher is not there to watch over him when he has breakfast, I will make sure that Afzal has a good breakfast at home before he leaves for school. But unknowingly to me, sometimes when I asked him what he did in school and how was his day, he would tell me that he had breakfast again in school. I know my Afzal has a good appetite but I was horrified when he told me, rather innocently, that he had sausage! So petrified Mummy will tell Afzal that sausage is not halal. And Afzal's reply puts me in cognitive disequilibrium when he says, "But Mummy, sausage is not meat." Oops. Oops. Oops. Guess I did not foresee this situation. My blunder is whenever I cook beef, I would tell him it's meat. So he must have been thinking, "Sausage is not meat because meat is that stuff my mummy cook, so sausage must be something else that I can eat." So Mummy has to tell Afzal that sausage is meat and all the other stuff that is meat like beef, burger, chicken, nuggets, etc etc and these stuff are not halal in school but if Afzal wants to eat sausage, beef, burger, chicken, nuggets, etc etc, Mummy will buy, make and pack them for Afzal. So I put him in cognitive disequilibrium by changing his meaning of things, but then again he will soon be in "equilibrium" once he makes sense of all these. We've also educated him about gelatin so he cannot just buy any pack of candies without checking the ingredients. However, when we do not want him to eat too many candies, we would just sneakily told him there's gelatin in it, more so for his health benefit. It works because he would put the pack back but he will soon pick another and asked us "Got gelatin?". So can't be all candies have gelatin, isn't it?

It's hard especially when he has a party in school and will be getting loads of chocolates and candies, and I cannot be telling Ms Smith, please check for the gelatin, that emulsifier or even that lecithin etc etc. Ms Smith has asked me whether she can just take out the pepperoni from the pizza for Afzal. I don't know whether there was any look of "horror" on my face, but I would just say rather calmly, "oh no...he's fine with just the chips and the biscuits." But kind Ms Smith thinks that it will not be fair to Afzal and goes to another class in search of a slice of cheese pizza.

We want to instil these important values in Afzal and at the same time we do not want him to miss out on the fun in school or be alienated from society at large. It will be challenging anywhere we are in the world but as long as there are people who are kind and respectful to our values, it will be much easier. I also believed that as long as we are sincere in this, God will help us to make it easier.

I have told Ms Smith about Ramadan and fasting, and she openly admitted that it was the first time she ever heard of such a thing. When we celebrated Eid or Aidilfitri or Hari Raya whatever the names you call it in different parts of the world, I gave her a bagful of goodies that she was so happy with it that she lets Afzal share his festival with the rest of the class. She knows that Afzal does not celebrate christmas and when the class was making christmas tree ornaments, Afzal made a similar looking ornament but it was a fridge magnet instead. When we asked Afzal why he did not make the tree ornament, he would just say, "because I don't celebrate christmas, I celebrate Hari Raya." Good job Afzal! And thank you Ms Smith!




Afzal-made-fridge-magnet

Whenever the phone rings...

...and it has nothing to do with my drama-mama entries, I do sometimes get into a panic mode. I fear getting that phonecall. That phonecall that will mean someone really close to us, especially to my significant other, will ... Seeing my ever so reserved and steely other half crumbles to tears pained me. And being thousand of miles away on the other side of the globe does not console the heart and the soul, not only of ours but also of his family, who are mine as well.

Mak is taking care of ayah, being with him since evening until subuh without even taking her dinner, and considering her own health. Her other children are worried not only for ayah but mak as well and smsed their abang long who is like 28 hours plane ride away. All the adiks know that mak always listen to abang, but this time around, the always so steely mak herself breaks down, with little comfort from abang. Things happen too drastically and unexpectedly in the last few months. Abang got a great job with a training stint in the US for at least one year, and between the first trip home and the second, which was like only a short span of 2 months plus, ayah's health took a drastic turn. At 68, he has the usual old age ailments, but he was never in and out of the hospital but unexpectedly, he was admitted to hospital a week after we return from our first trip home and it has never been the same.

The toughest part is knowing that all your adiks and their families could spend their time with ayah and yet you are not able to. We were fully aware that our second trip home could be our last meeting then, but we choose to believe that we will meet again when we return from this stint.

Please pray for ayah, mak and for us.

Commercial Break : Blogger's Block

My last two entries were something that came up because of a blogger's block. Really. My life is not than suspenseful. Anyway, my friend, H, emailed me and said that she had not seen any entry since my trip to Florida. I was tired from all the holidaying and like I told her I do not want to sound like a desperate housewife on my blog but I guessed I just did. In my desperate attempt to blog, I created a fact-fictional story of me ...hahaha. Lame, isn't it?

And now I'm getting the same block again at how I should continue that "suspenseful" drama without being annoying or anti-climatic. Think, think, think.

"Hello?"

"Hello?" I answered nervously not knowing what kind of call I would be receiving. Would it be from the significant other? Would it be some good news, or bad news from that faraway place I called home? Or would it be some caller who had dialed my number wrongly? Or maybe one of those unsolicited spam calls. Or maybe some crackhead who just have got nothing better to do and decided to scare me to bits.

"Hello?" There was a momentary uneasy silence on both ends of the line. I could hear my own breathing and the beatings in my heart. The few seconds of silence in anticipation of a response to my simple greeting was like light years of waiting. I had enough. "Hello?" It was a harsh hello with the intended meaning that "if you do not want to talk, don't call." The line went dead. My heart skipped a beat as I felt the feeling of someone hanging up on me. I wondered why. Who could that be?

Before I could even put the phone down, there was a thunderous bang on the front door. My face did a 180 degrees sharp turn towards the white wooden front door. I felt almost frozen in time and space. I could hardly move my legs for fear that the creaking sounds of the floor would be a sign that I was in the house. Despite the chilliness of the morning, beads of perspiration were running down my neck. I have heard the news just yesterday about some assault taking place around the apartment. I wish I could dial a number for help, but I do not know who or what to call. I had no one to call, not even the number of my hubby's workplace. I was helpless and felt in absolute lack of control. The pounding on the door became louder, faster and furious, and I could almost feel that the door was going to crack. I panicked...


to be continued...

As I was...

... lying on the couch, my heart was filled with restlessness. It was 9.53 am, more than two hours after my son had left for school. I had taken a shower, checked my email, ate breakfast and read a few pages of the current book that I was reading.

I was reading but absorbing nothing. I put the book down, closed my eyes, hoping that this restlessness will end...."Ring!!!!!" the phone rang unexpectantly and my heart lept. Excited and nervous, I carried myself up and almost sprang to the phone. "Hello?"


Akan Datang...jeng, jeng, jeng!

This is America!

We were at the halal meat store the other day. And while we were patiently waiting for the ever-taking-his-own-sweet-time owner to prepare our poultry, a fiery red two door undiscernable brand sportscar pulled up at the front of the shop. Out came a young man who came into the shop and asked the grocery owner for phonecards. They made their exchanges in Arabic.

So this fine modern young main in fiery red two door sportscar is of middle eastern descent, got the phone card and a bottled juice, paid money and left. I thought of making small talk with this grocery owner in order to pass the time waiting for our poultry. "He must be rich." I commented. Muslim Arab grocery owner who is a migrant himself said "No, no, no. This is America. You got plastic (ie. credit card) you can have anything."

That statement was something both my husband and I did not quite expected somehow. We both smiled widely, and just agreed with him. "This is America, land of opportunity", the ever-so-often tagline that you hear. Talking about this is America, I ever saw a granny on the news. She made the news because she invented something. A very inventive entrepreneurial granny! She came up with her invention because everytime her grandchildren go to the bathroom and pull the toilet paper, it will just roll out continuosly and that really bugs her. So granny came up with this ingenius invention that will somehow prevent the toilet paper from rolling and rolling. It will just stop at perhaps two sets of sheets and there you go, no wastage, and no horrors in the toilet. So this is America, the land of opportunity.

This is America, the land of freedom of speech. You certainly can have the luxury of speaking your mind unlike in Singapore, where a reporter dubbed it as the "Land of Nos". The strange thing about this freedom of speech is that you are able to get away even if you are a suspected or pro-terrorist as long as you say it on American soil, eventhough your very speech may threaten the security of Americans. It will be unconstitutional to condemn the person because every one has the right of freedom of speech.

The right and the freedom of speech has made many newsreaders and journalists to make their own opinions and judgements even before the person on trial is proven guilty. A case in time is Michael Jackson. A particular anchorwoman is just so full of negative opinions of MJ, that she convicted him everyday on her show. When MJ was finally acquitted, she said "I need my therapist tonight!" That was how it was for her.

It will be tough if you are one of those that does not have a mind of your own because these anchor persons are much more powerful than the political leaders because they are on air like 5 days a week on primetime.

So this is America, you can say anything and you can have everything. Of course everything will not come on your lap if you don't work hard for it. But sometimes, all it takes is a bit of luck. Take for instance, William Hung. As long as you get your well-deserved airtime and I mean you don't even have to be the winner, in fact, in his case, be a total reject. But if lady luck shines on you, contracts and deals may come your way. Take part in a reality show, be it American Idol, The Next American Top Model, Survivor, Amazing Race, The Apprentice etc and somehow or rather, you might just get noticed and the money will just start rolling in.

This is America! If you have an idea or just plain lucky, seize the moment!!!

Perhaps I should get my brain cracking and come up with something ingenius because who knows that success may come so sweet eventhough if it's just a little something for the toilet. :)