Ma boys... Despite the 9 year gap, they still argue. Abang likes to disturb or scold the lil kiddo. Kiddo would then complain or cry.
Most of the time Abang is disturbing/ teasing but Adik is not able to differentiate this and would feel upset or annoyed. Abang, on the other hand, continue to do this despite us advising him not to. After a while it also gets irritating for hubby and me - one who is constantly disturbing, the other complaining and crying.
Recently, when Adik complained and started crying, I told him to settle it between themselves. I told Adik that as long as Abang did not hurt him physically - Adik should confront Abang by telling him that he does not like it, and he is not happy about it and that Abang should stop. We tried this strategy once, and thankfully, Adik managed to say these words in his short-lived angry tone and tears-welling eyes. However, he stopped short of the outburst and crying. So it worked with lots of practice!
This type of sibling banter is like a necessary evil. Otherwise, it feels abnormal to have quiet boys and non-existent rivalry between them. Adik likes to win and likes to be first in whatever situation. Abang knows he has the upperhand in many things. Despite all these, I know with much certainty that they would still look out and look after each other.
Now that we are maid-less, Abang sometimes help with showering and dressing Adik up. He would do his own laundry and wash the dishes. When he's in the mood, he'll prepare breakfast for everyone. When I asked him how is he coping since he has to do extra chores these days, he said OK and that he's fine without the maid. Both boys are also not particular about food. In fact, they are super ok with rice, fried chicken and black sauce. It's me who feels guilty all the time especially if I feel that they are not eating proper meals.
Adik has not even ask about the maid until today, and he is also coping very well at home, playing with himself, with Abang or absorb with the tv/ipad. Even when the maid is around, the tv/ipad is still used very much by Aqil. I do feel guilty sbout this but at the sane time, I realised that Aqil learns many things from Peppa Pig and Ben & Holly. General knowledge at the very least which ain't bad at all.
At times when I have to leave for work, Aqil will always say that mummy should quit job and stay home. He thinks mummy is the best cook in the world and he loves my fluffy cheeks. Abang does not want me to stay home because if I do, he knows he will be nagged and monitored closely.
It's only mummy who cannot make this seemingly hard decision. Circumstances are pulling me in both directions. I'm in my comfort zone and I fear the unknown. At the same time, I love my family so much that I want to be physically present to take care of all their needs especially now when they are still depending on me. I also want to at least execute one of my many ideas and make it successful. Perhaps it's the fear of the outcome of the idea that is paralyzing me. [Maria, there were many ideas that you have In your head. As long as its in your head, it just remain an idea. You worry too much. Look around you. Many of the things you have thought about eons ago is now trending].
Dear Allah, you know what's in my heart. Rezeki is everywhere and I ought to put my trust in you. Is it the love for the work I do and the steady monthly income that are making it difficult for me to make this leap? Shouldn't my love for my children and my trust in your rezeki be the most rational decision to make? I may not be rich but I may be wealthy for just being there for my children and while I'm with them, to at least execute one of my ideas.
I love you both my boys and I only want the best for both of you. Having a decent job and a steady income is also rezeki from Allah. Sometimes I think I should be grateful for what He has bestowed upon me rather than chasing invisible dreams.
May I be able to make my decision with clarity and conviction soon. Amin.
