As I queued in the sweltering hot sun, with beads of perspiration running under my tudung and drenching the neckline of my blouse, I wondered about my feelings for this man. Why was I here when I hardly know him personally? Why did I get the bouquet and waited in line to pen my condolences and pay my respect? What should I write?
As my thoughts lingered, two journalists approached me. They were from two different Malaysian dailies. I was their target because I was a very visible tudung-wearing lady among the queue-ers! I agreed to be interviewed provided I could respond in English. I'm more coherent and eloquent when I spout English. Surprisingly, I heard my voice cracking and choking when I described this man and how much I appreciated what he had done for Singapore. Despite some of his tough policies, and the oft-times, I feel that he treated me like his stepchild or invisible child, I said to the journalist, 'look around you, we have peace, economic progress, stability...'.
Once, when I was listening to his speech that was delivered in Moscow, he informed his listeners that Singapore is made up of Chinese and Indian. He forgot that I existed. That made me angry and mad, just like a child who is being ignored and sidelined by his dad. What would happen to an ignored and sidelined child? You go figure.
As a minority in Singapore, I cannot help but feel that some of his policies further exacerbate the divide between the haves-Chinese majority and the haves-not-Malay minority. When Malay issues are being magnified in all fronts, I can't help thinking that perhaps it is true that my community is an underachiever, underperformer and incompetent. If I have this notion, what about the others especially the majority population?
One small population tended to be constantly angry and felt that he and his political party shortchanged or marginalized them. The other bigger population may think that there are truths to the Malays being lazy and incompetent, and hence embraced and propagated these beliefs. When they hold onto these beliefs, given two individuals of the same academic standing, they will not choose a Malay. I had heard many times the reasons of choosing a Chinese over a minority - so and so has the same (Confucian) values as us, or so and so will be more hardworking or loyal. It is always not an issue if the office has more Chinese than the other races. But when an office has many competent Malays, suddenly you just have to hear someone saying things like 'why do we have so many Malays?' 'This is so geylang serai', 'we should not hire anymore Malays', 'next promotion will be a Chinese' or 'my kids will not pick up good English here'. And these are the verbalized ones. You wonder about other non-verbalized thoughts they may have of you. That is why I never believe in the idea of real meritocracy in Singapore. The execution on the ground is far from meritocratic. If only he knows...?
I have worked in Malaysia and funny thing is, I am still a minority. For as long as I'm not a bumiputra, I'm not one of them. In fact, I was being accused of stealing their rice bowl.
So where does this place me? Having born and lived here, I make do and work around all those currents against me in Singapore. I have shifted my mindset to not care what these people think but at the same time realizing, my children and I had to work triply hard for the same things and for the better things in life. To be somewhere in life also depends on how well-connected you are and we know we are far from being well-connected and this has somewhat disadvantaged us. Knowing all these, I'm trying to ensure my children would be able to reap the benefits of all the many other great things he had done for Singapore as a nation.
For all its worth, his philosophy of an ideal meritocracy is still there and I believed he meant well, though he may not be right all the time. I would disagree totally on his ideas on eugenics. That aside, there are many great qualities he had and that can be much emulated by us all - clear conviction, clarity of purpose, single-minded in putting nation before self, loving husband, caring papa, doting Ye Ye. He is a survivor, an innovator, a visionary leader and an extraordinary 'orang besar'. The accolades he received from international leaders speak volumes of the kind of person he was and testament to the impact he had made not only to Singapore but to the world. And for this, I am blessed for Allah gave him to us, to Singapore - an Extraordinary Orang Besar.
Yes, I grieved in a quiet way with other Singaporeans.
#RememberingLeeKuanYew
