The first time I met him...

... was probably in October or November 1998. I was nervous and anxious, and my heart was beating really fast as my steps got closer to the meeting place. Doning a simple and yet stylish purple baju kurung, I had to make a good first impression. There I stood at the staircase landing, breathing heavily and rubbing my chest as if to calm my nerves before I turned the corner to be led to the house where I would be meeting him for the first time.

The door opened. A young girl in a traditional purple baju kurung greeted me. The girl was my boyfriend's youngest sister. The boyfriend that would become my husband now. I came into the house and saw my future in-laws. I salam both my future mak and ayah. No small talk, no interrogation, and all I was asked to do was eat. So I ate the mee siam kuah and ayam goreng, not much though, because I cannot feel the hunger. But soon the night was over and I thought, this was not so bad after all. I was ready to leave and as I salam both of them, ayah said, "Saya cuma nak yang terbaik untuk anak saya." Those words were enough to drown all the other words that he said after that. Those words felt heavy on me. Those were his killer words. I left the house feeling lousy and unsure of myself. Would I be able to be the best wife for his son? Would I be the best daughter-in-law for him?

That was my father-in-law. That was my first meeting of him and it was enough to instil a kind of fear or respect for that man. Hailing from Kelantan, he had traditional values and was very strong on Malay adat. I remembered the day of the merisik or maybe meminang, when ayah would open the greeting with a pantun in the likes of "...menyunting bunga di taman ..." something that I know my side of the family would rather go straight to the point instead of using such flowery language.

When we had our first house, we invited ayah to be the first to open the door to our apartment. I don't really know what the rules were, but I supposed it was something my husband had to do. It was also to show him that we respect him in some way. And he went into our house first, offering his prayers before the rest of us stepped in.

Ayah was strict when it comes to adat and respect for one's elders. He was a meticulous man as well, who expects high standards of hygiene in the home and on oneself. And when it comes to food, that is one area he would not stinge on. To him, good food with great hospitality is likened to the honour of the man and his family.

I somehow tended to believe that my husband, who is not very close to ayah as he is to mak, has many similar traits with ayah that he would like to believe. The only thing that I let my husband see is the occasional grievances that mak will feel because of ayah's insensitivity to mak and I hope that my husband will not do the same to me. I would gently remind my husband how sad that made mak and I would feel the same too if my husband did that as well.

Other than that, for all the similarities and differences that I and ayah had, eventhough I may not have totally agree with his ways, I have never disobey or disrespect him or the adat that he so cherished and valued. I also hope that I have been the best daughter-in-law that he could have for his eldest son. When we were leaving for the States after our second trip back home, ayah told me silently and emotionally at the airport that "Ayah yakin dengan (my name)". That was enough to make me feel that I have done something right with my husband and my son for him to have the "yakin" or confidence in me.

The house is now empty and quiet without him. The loss is felt for his presence is so strong and so impactful in our lives even in mine for whom I have only known him for seven plus years, what's more for those lives he had shaped and changed for the last 40 or so years that he was married to mak, or the 62 years he had known many others.

To ayah, may he rest in peace and may Allah bless his soul and offer him a place in Jannah, and I thank him from the bottom of my heart for his yakin in me.

Alfatihah.