An Extraordinary Orang Besar

Who would have thought that I, in pink tudung and blue blouse that fateful Monday, would quietly make my way to the Istana. My office was barely one bus stop away, and as I made my way, I had good reasons to finally stop by the familiar florist shop and bought the five remaining white roses, and a lily.

As I queued in the sweltering hot sun, with beads of perspiration running under my tudung and drenching the neckline of my blouse, I wondered about my feelings for this man. Why was I here when I hardly know him personally? Why did I get the bouquet and waited in line to pen my condolences and pay my respect? What should I write? 

As my thoughts lingered, two journalists approached me. They were from two different Malaysian dailies. I was their target because I was a very visible tudung-wearing lady among the queue-ers! I agreed to be interviewed provided I could respond in English. I'm more coherent and eloquent when I spout English. Surprisingly, I heard my voice cracking and choking when I described this man and how much I appreciated what he had done for Singapore. Despite some of his tough policies, and the oft-times, I feel that he treated me like his stepchild or invisible child, I said to the journalist, 'look around you, we have peace, economic progress, stability...'. 

Once, when I was listening to his speech that was delivered in Moscow, he informed his listeners that Singapore is made up of Chinese and Indian. He forgot that I existed. That made me angry and mad, just like a child who is being ignored and sidelined by his dad. What would happen to an ignored and sidelined child? You go figure.

As a minority in Singapore, I cannot help but feel that some of his policies further exacerbate the divide between the haves-Chinese majority and the haves-not-Malay minority. When Malay issues are being magnified in all fronts, I can't help thinking that perhaps it is true that my community is an underachiever, underperformer and incompetent. If I have this notion, what about the others especially the majority population?

One small population tended to be constantly angry and felt that he and his political party shortchanged or marginalized them. The other bigger population may think that there are truths to the Malays being lazy and incompetent, and hence embraced and propagated these beliefs. When they hold onto these beliefs, given two individuals of the same academic standing, they will not choose a Malay. I had heard many times the reasons of choosing a Chinese over a minority - so and so has the same (Confucian) values as us, or so and so will be more hardworking or loyal. It is always not an issue if the office has more Chinese than the other races. But when an office has many competent Malays, suddenly you just have to hear someone saying things like 'why do we have so many Malays?' 'This is so geylang serai', 'we should not hire anymore Malays', 'next promotion will be a Chinese' or 'my kids will not pick up good English here'. And these are the verbalized ones. You wonder about other non-verbalized thoughts they may have of you. That is why I never believe in the idea of real meritocracy in Singapore. The execution on the ground is far from meritocratic. If only he knows...?

I have worked in Malaysia and funny thing is, I am still a minority. For as long as I'm not a bumiputra, I'm not one of them. In fact, I was being accused of stealing their rice bowl. 

So where does this place me? Having born and lived here, I make do and work around all those currents against me in Singapore. I have shifted my mindset to not care what these people think but at the same time realizing, my children and I had to work triply hard for the same things and for the better things in life. To be somewhere in life also depends on how well-connected you are and we know we are far from being well-connected and this has somewhat disadvantaged us. Knowing all these, I'm trying to ensure my children would be able to reap the benefits of all the many other great things he had done for Singapore as a nation. 

For all its worth, his philosophy of an ideal meritocracy is still there and I believed he meant well, though he may not be right all the time. I would disagree totally on his ideas on eugenics. That aside, there are many great qualities he had and that can be much emulated by us all - clear conviction, clarity of purpose, single-minded in putting nation before self, loving husband, caring papa, doting Ye Ye. He is a survivor, an innovator, a visionary leader and an extraordinary 'orang besar'. The accolades he received from international leaders speak volumes of the kind of person he was and testament to the impact he had made not only to Singapore but to the world. And for this,  I am blessed for Allah gave him to us, to Singapore - an Extraordinary Orang Besar.

Yes, I grieved in a quiet way with other Singaporeans. 

#RememberingLeeKuanYew

Outsourcing domesticity

Being a ftwm, and managing a household of 2 boys and a hubby on shift work, my sources of stress is self-inflicted.

I'm mentally drained after a full day at work. Even on Friday, it doesn't help when everything else at work is urgent and important to clear before Monday. 

Oh and I have not had a lived-in helper for the last 9 months, and that's a feat for me.

I'm terribly un-domesticated. I prepare breakfast and the occasional weekend meals. I do weekend laundry, clean the toilets, sweep (and maybe mop) the floor. I send the little one to weekend Islamic class and swimming class. I make sure I checked his communication book and if there is any school projects that are needed to be done in the weekend. I tried to iron their school uniforms if I could. I tried to catch up on conversations with my children but sometimes it sounds like 'business talk' rather than 'play talk'. Time is so limited and precious that in the end the conversations are all about practical things rather than about anything. All these are making my only weekends full of housework, full of fatigue and full of frustrations and grumpiness. Sigh.

I'm not trying to complain but trying to put things into perspective. I'm trying to reflect on my life and weigh the things that's important, least important and totally unimportant. 

As a ftwm or any mom, having additional help is always great. All we want is a simple temporary life that could be savoured with sanity. And have the time to smell the coffee and roses, read, and wonder, soak in the sun & fun...

It's good that the Indonesian minister, due to dignity, do not want to send their women overseas as maids. I applaud his move but rather seeing it from just the dignity angle, I hope he has a masterplan to train and provide domestic jobs that uplift their lives and dignity. 

For families like me who wish not to have a lived-in helper, sad to say that we also need a lot more cash to outsource the mundane tasks. 

An integrated under-one-roof hub but operated by different agencies or business owners might help working parents like me.

A hub that contains the following:

-infant care & child care

-kindergarten

-nearby primary schools

-before and after school care

-active seniors club who can assist in ferrying children to and from primary school

-babysitting for those in kindys or odd hours

-breakfast takeaways

-dinner tingkat

-laundry and ironing service

-frozen foods for the weekends

-part-time home help 

-supermarket 

Etc

And would be good if companies can be more family friendly without making the employee feels bad about not taking his or her laptop home for the weekend.

2015... Mid-Life Reinvention

More than a year has passed since our umrah, and I really missed being there. It may seemed irrational and weird, but one of the ways that I overcame this feelings of 'missing', 'taqwa', 'taubat' and 'love' is through watching the Makkah scenes of the Malaysian drama Adam Dan Hawa.

Adam Dan Hawa is fictional but the portrayal and the emotions it evoke resonate within me. 

Dear Allah, please guide me in making the best decision for me and my family without compromising on the quality of our life - physically, emotionally, financially and spiritually. You have given me many signs and yet I deliberated and procrastinated. 

For that, please forgive me, please have mercy on me, please strengthen my faith and my actions to be closer to you. Amin YRA. 

 

How to be a full time working mum and maid-less (in Singapore)?

It's been 3 months since my last post and I'm still working full time, still maid-less, and still wondering and hoping to make the right decision.

I'm not cruising in life, in fact navigating daily. I feel stretched, I feel overwhelmed and it doesn't help when office work is piling and I'm down with the flu bug. Housework - that's not my area of work, but a department in this household that I have to manage.

With the call for work-life balance, and yet cost of living is utterly high and all the issues related to foreign domestic worker - from the foreign countries' policies, agencies' disservices and maid-madness - here is how, I think, a full time working mum can manage without a lived-in maid. Hopefully, we would rely less on this foreign talent, and they can be in their own home country looking after own children and families instead. 

1) Child Care/ Student Care: if you have young children, you need reliable child care or student care. Look around your neighborhood. Enroll your child in a primary school with in-house student care. 

2) Babysitter: I've since found one. Such a lovely lady and such a God-send. Useful when I would be working late and I need someone to pick up the Lil One from his Kindergarten. Yes, my kiddo goes to kindy and not child care.

3) Extended family: When your parents have decided to retire overseas, you need to rely on extended help. This include your siblings. Super-grateful for my self-employed brother whose work schedule is flexible enough to accommodate the occasional chauffeuring and playdates for the Lil One. It's a bonus that his wife is early childhood trained and they love kids.

4) Neighbours: Not yet but would come in handy.

5) My kids' friends parents: Get into a watsapp group. They'll update you of events and remind you of what to bring which you often overlook (because you have too many things on your mind). Since some of them are stay home parents and can go on excursions with the kids, they'll look out for your kid and even inform you if the bus will reach school on time/late after the excursion. They are a super good resource. 

6) Tingkat Lunch/Dinner - what can I say, we need to eat. I have no time to cook and no time to pick up dinner. So having someone delivered to your doorstep is much welcome. I'm using Dapur Ummi Abdullah for now and I can choose the days or the lunch or dinner that I want.

7) Part-time home help: There are agencies that offer this but may charged admin fees. There are also foreign ladies who are married to local men and would offer this service. They do a better job once a week than a full time lived-in maid. Offer them food, and occasional extras, and they'll be happy to extend their service.

8) Get my elder kid to wash his own dishes, shoes, uniforms and training gear. Even ironing if he needs to use it the next day.

9) Dryer: Singapore is hot - yes. But someone still needs to hang the clothes to dry. With our apartment these days not built to accommodate airing and drying of clothes naturally, the dryer is a time-saver.

10) Simplify our life: if I really need to cook, use ready made rempah. So easy and yummy too. I only rely on disposables when I have guests. 

11) Time tabling: my husband works shift so that's when it gets complicated. So time tabling helps with the planning. And speaking of the hubby who prefers not to have a lived-in maid, he better chipped in with the housework. He does laundry and dish-washing.

12) Flexi Work Arrangement: if your company offers this, use it. Sometimes you have to get pass your supervisor who needs to be empathetic to your situation and be flexible. Rule of thumb: ensure your quality of work does not slip.

Reflections on the way to KL

Ma boys... Despite the 9 year gap, they still argue. Abang likes to disturb or scold the lil kiddo. Kiddo would then complain or cry. 

Most of the time Abang is disturbing/ teasing but Adik is not able to differentiate this and would feel upset or annoyed. Abang, on the other hand, continue to do this despite us advising him not to.  After a while it also gets irritating for hubby and me - one who is constantly disturbing, the other complaining and crying.

Recently, when Adik complained and started crying, I told him to settle it between themselves. I told Adik that as long as Abang did not hurt him physically - Adik should confront Abang by telling him that he does not like it, and he is not happy about it and that Abang should stop. We tried this strategy once, and thankfully, Adik managed to say these words in his short-lived angry tone and tears-welling eyes. However, he stopped short of the outburst and crying. So it worked with lots of practice! 

This type of sibling banter is like a necessary evil. Otherwise, it feels abnormal to have quiet boys and non-existent rivalry between them. Adik likes to win and likes to be first in whatever situation.  Abang knows he has the upperhand in many things. Despite all these, I know with much certainty that they would still look out and look after each other. 

Now that we are maid-less, Abang sometimes help with showering and dressing Adik up. He would do his own laundry and wash the dishes. When he's in the mood, he'll prepare breakfast for everyone. When I asked him how is he coping since he has to do extra chores these days, he said OK and that he's fine without the maid. Both boys are also not particular about food. In fact, they are super ok with rice, fried chicken and black sauce. It's me who feels guilty all the time especially if I feel that they are not eating proper meals. 

Adik has not even ask about the maid until today, and he is also coping very well at home, playing with himself, with Abang or absorb with the tv/ipad. Even when the maid is around, the tv/ipad is still used very much by Aqil. I do feel guilty sbout this but at the sane time, I realised that Aqil learns many things from Peppa Pig and Ben & Holly. General knowledge at the very least which ain't bad at all.

At times when I have to leave for work, Aqil will always say that mummy should quit job and stay home. He thinks mummy is the best cook in the world and he loves my fluffy cheeks. Abang does not want me to stay home because if I do, he knows he will be nagged and monitored closely. 

It's only mummy who cannot make this seemingly hard decision. Circumstances are pulling me in both directions. I'm in my comfort zone and I fear the unknown. At the same time, I love my family so much that I want to be physically present to take care of all their needs especially now when they are still depending on me. I also want to at least execute one of my many ideas and make it successful. Perhaps it's the fear of the outcome of the idea that is paralyzing me. [Maria, there were many ideas that you have In your head. As long as its in your head, it just remain an idea. You worry too much. Look around you. Many of the things you have thought about eons ago is now trending].

Dear Allah, you know what's in my heart. Rezeki is everywhere and I ought to put my trust in you. Is it the love for the work I do and the steady monthly income that are making it difficult for me to make this leap? Shouldn't my love for my children and my trust in your rezeki be the most rational decision to make? I may not be rich but I may be wealthy for just being there for my children and while I'm with them, to at least execute one of my ideas. 

I love you both my boys and I only want the best for both of you. Having a decent job and a steady income is also rezeki from Allah. Sometimes I think I should be grateful for what He has bestowed upon me rather than chasing invisible dreams.

May I be able to make my decision with clarity and conviction soon. Amin.

Tomorrow's meal

Whatever I can rummaged from the kitchen.

It's dhal with boiled eggs, chicken tom yum and sautéed sawi putih with pieces of chicken. 

And we're going on a shopping vacation Wednesday!

Happy mood on 😃

My afternoon tea

A treat for my mum who wanted scones she had tried at Genting Highlands. Instead of English breakfast or Earl Grey tea, it's teh tarik to accompany my fluffy scones 😊

What a delightful and syiok English-Melayu afternoon treat 😉

Chilli Crab

My maiden attempt at cooking crabs, and it tasted so good 😜

It's campak-campak dishes today

Beef in black soya sauce with potatoes. Basically it's daging masak kicap, my style.

This week, non-fish eater hubby bought 3 pieces of pomfret. Today, it's pomfret air fried and refried with onions, apple cider, salt and sugar (note to self: must reduced or totally eliminate sugars in food). In other words, it's ikan bawal goring cuka.

There's also kuah pindang with pomfret from yesterday which I added kacang panjang (long beans) and celery. I also made asam pedas tetel, and coincidently, Mak gave lauk nangka with tetel as well. So in case, I run out of ideas, I can refer here ;)

Soupy stuff

When the hub is tired of meat and does not eat fish, he requested for plain soup. I was like, 'huh!'. So here are some soupy stuff for me to refer to when I ran out of ideas ...

Plain clear soup with carrots and potatoes. 

Asam rebus with squids and lady's fingers. Squids because he does not eat fish.

Two types of mushrooms with slice beef and cili padi for a bit of kick.

From the same beef broth above but without mushroom and cili padi for the little kiddo.

This is not soup, but with just a little thick gravy ala hotplate beancurd but because I had put it in a container, it's does not look as pretty but sure is tasty.

I usually cook at night for the next day. So once cooked, they are kept in containers. The helper only needs to heat them up when it's time to eat the next day for the kids and hub if he eats at home in the day. I usually only eat for dinner.

So that's the life of a working mum!

Umrah 2013 - final day

Our family photo taken in Green Palace Hotel, Madinah before we took our leave to Jeddah, with a pit-stop at the Red Sea.

Labaikallahumma Labaik, we may have left, but we will definitely come again. Please make us your guests many times over, Ya Rabb.

Umrah 2013 - Days 8, 9, 10 in Madinah

Ya Rasullullah, I could not visit your makam, nor your raudah or your home. But I'm here to convey my gratitude and my love for you. I'm here to convey the salams of friends and acquaintances from Singapore. I'm here, so near, and yet so far. I will get to meet you one day Rasullullah. I will. Ya Rasullullah, I pray that you will be my intercessor for I have many sins. I pray that Allah will forgive me for all my sins, accept my repentance and place me in His Jannah. Amin, Amin Ya Rabbal Alamin.

May I be a good Muslimah, wife, daughter and mother to my children. May you grant me a purposeful life, and give me clarity to that purpose.

🌠🌠🌠🌠🌠🌠

My family just outside Masjid Quba.

Us, at Mount Uhud, where the battle of Uhud took place.

Fresh dates sold outside the mosque, including vendors selling many items.

After 15 years of marriage, I'm giddily in love with my husband

It must be the drama, Adam dan Hawa, that has made me giddy. In a good way but also in a painful way.

I'm in love with my husband. Not that I wasn't but I feel 200% in love with him now. I feel like a silly schoolgirl, wondering, thinking and pining about my love, the same man I married to in 1999.

Our umrah journey last december was also pivotal in many ways. I prayed hard and I know that Allah has granted some of my doas. If I could feel this giddy, I would love to do umrah again with my husband, my love - to experience this immense giddiness that is joyful and painful at the same time. But knowing that it is also pain, it is love of the highest degree, isn't it?

I'd love to do umrah again with my husband and I hope to do it this year, or very soon. With much hope, Allah, please grant my doa.

Umrah 2013 - Day 6 and 7

There was no planned itinerary for Day 6. Apart from the usual ibadah, we shopped what we could for family, friends and our well-wishers. Hubby and Afzal decided to do their shavings today. So here they are in their new do.

🐪🐫🐪🐫🐪🐫

Our final goodbye was tawaf wadaq which I could not perform. I stood and sujud in front of one of the doors of Masjidil Haram catching a tiny glimpse of the black cloak. It was an emotional farewell. As Ustaz said, 'the prayer of someone in difficulty is mustajab' and he considered me as being in difficulty. Ameen. It was not a good-bye for me. I believed I will be here again.

🐪🐫🐪🐫🐪🐫

5 hours drive, we arrived in Al-Madinah Al-Munawarrah.

The beauty and magnificence of Al-Masjidil Al-Nabawi was a sight to behold, as the orangey sunset greeted us for the call of azan maghrib.

As my husband and sons made their
way into the men's section of the mosque, I had to content myself with sitting outside the mosque but within the women's compound, alone among the sea of female worshippers and their children. It was a very personal journey for me - deep in my own thoughts, and murmuring prayers repeatedly as much as I can. My greatest wish was to perform solat and meet Rasullullah. But perhaps, Allah has other plans for me.

Umrah 2013 - Day 5

It was a lovely breezy sunny day. It was also the final umrah sunat today and my men were ready. Hubby and Afzal were wearing half-ihram underneath their jubah however, we had a hard time convincing Aqil to try the ihram. Since he has not reached baligh, we let him be. 

I also managed to snap a pic of Afzal with Hussain, a senior schoolmate who is in the same travel group.

On the way to Hudaibiyah, where the miqat is, there was a stop at a camel farm. Aqil was excited. He had made friends with a toddler also named Aqeel, whom we fondly call as Aqil junior. Aqeel Junior is the son of an ex-colleague of mine, cameraman Azman Hamzah, while I was still working at the tv station.

Finally, up-close with the camels. Hubby bought a bottle of camels' milk and let Aqil tasted it. He didn't like it and none of us tasted the milk.

We then proceeded to Hudaibiyah where my two men prepared themselves for the umrah. 

Once we reached Masjidil Haram, an Ustaz led the congregation while Aqil and I headed back to the hotel. As much as I was happy and proud that hubby and Afzal could perform the umrah, I was feeling sad and emotional in the hotel room, as I could only watched the live feed of the pilgrims performing their tawaf. But He had his reasons, and after much reflection, I do believe that He granted my doa of an ease journey for the sake of my family. Subhanallah!

After lunch it was free and easy and since the boys needed some rest, I had made contact with an acquaintance, Eka Mairina who is living in Makkah, dutifully accompanying her husband who is posted at Fairmont Hotel. 

We met after asar at Fairmont and catched up on her life and old times. It felt goof to know someone who is living the Makkan lifestyle with pros and cons. Sociable and friendly Aqil made friends with sociable and friendly Azza, Eka's 4 year old son. Both boys hit it off very well, no introductions needed.

We had coffee until just before Maghrib. Eka and hubby offered to drive us around Makkah City but we were too tired and there was packing to be done as we will be heading to Madinah soon. But we know we will meet each other again whether in Makkah, Singapore or Jakarta, inshaAllah. 

Umrah 2013 - Day 4

Many thoughts came to me when my period came the day before. What happened to the medication I took to stop my period? Did I forget to take after arriving in Makkah due to fatigue and a sense of being overwhelm (2 days)? Was my second umrah completed or null and void? What ibadah can I continue doing?

⭐⭐⭐

The original itinerary for Day 4 was another umrah, this time the miqat is to be done at Tana'im (5km from Masjidil Haram). However, we were informed earlier yesterday that we could have another option - climbing Jabal Nur, the location of Hira Cave where Prophet Muhammad (as) would go for meditation. On one of his meditations, the very first message from Allah was revealed to him through Angel Jibrail.

Since I can't perform umrah, my husband and I decided to climb Jabal Nur to allow our children, especially Afzal an understanding of seerah and hopefully, he was able to connect what he has learnt in madrasah classes to the actual events and the revelations from the All-Quran. It was also to allow a balance of ibadah and a trekking holiday. Hubby and Afzal will perform the next umrah sunat.

Well-equipped with our track shoes, we were ready to trail the steps of our Prophet. 

Jabal Nur stands at about 900 metres (12,000 feet) high. Steps were carved from the rocky terrain to assist climbers up the mountain. Now, history has it that Prophet Muhammad's wife, Siti Khadijah would climb this mountain everyday to deliver food to her husband. You really wonder the strength, tenacity and determination of women like Khadijah and Hajar.

We encouraged and motivated our children to climb. We let Afzal climbed ahead while hubby and I encouraged Aqil along. 

With a bottle of zam zam water and a promise of a reward once we reached the top, Aqil tried his best. We were told that there is a 'coffee shop' at the top and promised Aqil an ice cream treat.

As we climbed, we rested and we savoured the view of Makkah city and the clock tower which is within Masjidil Haram.

Along the climb, there were many beggars and most of them had some sort of disability - like an amputated or distorted limbs. It was quite a disheartening sight, knowing that some of these immobile men were put there lying on their backs facing the hot sun taking opportunity of the generosity of pilgrims-climbers. They could be part of a syndicate but still we couldnt help feeling sorry for some of them. We gave Aqil many 1 Riyals to give away.

We finally reached the top and the children were feeling tired but victorious. Aqil didn't hesitate to ask for his reward but since there were no ice-cream sold at the little shack-like shop, both boys asked for instant cup noodles and more water.

The Hira Cave was on the other side which requires a short descent. We viewed it from the top. There were crowds of people waiting to enter the small cave. Hubby went down to have a look while we waited by the shack.

This was where the very first message from Allah swt - Surah Al-Alaq - was delivered to Prophet Muhammad (as) by Angel Jibrail. Prophet Muhammad (as)  was very shaken from this experience and encounter that he immediately descent the mountain, went home and covered his shivering body. Khadijah, noticing her husband's condition had asked him what had happened. After Prophet's explanation, Khadijah consulted with her uncle. It was then explained to her that his encounters meant that her husband is destined to be someone great. This was the beginning of his Prophetship.

Though it was not a requirement, some pilgrims performed sunnat prayers at the small cave. Ustaz had reminded that this is a historical site and there is no religious obligations whatsoever.

We returned to Masjidil Haram in time for dzuhur and lunch. We then had a free afternoon, and did a little shopping. There were many local stores selling abayas and famed Bin Dawood supermart as well as modern shops like Body Shop, Baskin Robbins, Starbucks etc. Modernity has seaped into Saudi Arabia even within Haram. 

We then bought  some snacks for a little picnic at the square while we awaited our next solats.